Pass That August 11th, 2004 And Lemme Get High.

by Serge Bielanko


So much can happen over the course of one summer night. Tiny beetles in moonlit gardens crawl up tomato vines. Satellites twinkle slowly along the midnight ceiling. Vodka hits orange juice in a host of lonesome apartment kitchens; ice clinks in a spotted tumbler. A raccoon dines on rib bones in a strip-mall dumpster while a patrol car orbits the parking lot at a crawl. Laughter spills out of tap rooms, dies in the street. Pizzeria phones ring. Babies dream. Air conditioners rattle beneath elms of sleeping birds.

People meet.

Huddled beneath the plywood platform in the back of our van, I was buzzed and whirling from the few drunken kisses this girl, Monica, had let me give her inside the bar. People were handing me amps and cymbal cases and stuff and I was heaving it around like I did every night. Every night out front some different bar, I'd climb back in the hole like a miner and work my organizing magic through a beery haze of streaky streetlight. But there was never an audience for me. There was never someone watching, someone waiting.

So, my occasional glances over to see that Monica, the really sexy/dark-humored/bitingly sharp girl I'd just downed three or four shots of Jagermeister with, were as much to keep proving to myself that she did in fact exist as they were to make certain she didn't get a whiff of some practical wind and split while I was back between drum cases. She talked to me a little while I did my job. And she made small chat with the other guys in the band as they hauled the gear out of the bar and piled it at the curb. I kept hearing her voice and I kept wondering why she was still out there? She couldn't be physically attracted to me...she was way above my Single A looks. But she had let me kiss her. Like four times. Maybe she'd swallowed some Ecstasy? Who knew? I figured I just needed to run with it; I needed to see where she would lead me.

A lot happened. There is a Super 8 motel in downtown Salt Lake City, across from a gas station. It's was the band's home for the night. I vividly remember standing at the window of an upper level room at dusk, after sound-check/before the show. I looked out at this town I'd never seen before. Mountains off to the east in a dazzling sunset. I looked down and there was my brother, Dave, standing in the parking lot below making faces at me up there in the window. He was smoking a cigarette. I gave him the finger and made some faces back. I was wishing the window would open so we could holler at each other, but I guess people jump out of cheap motel windows if given half a chance, so there was none of that to be had. The images are all burned into my memory with scorched detail. These were the last few hours before I met her. The old life was winding down, but I had no idea.

We hung out in her truck in the motel parking lot. We talked, laughed. Music/books/movies. She had a genuine interest in the places I'd seen, my travels. I asked her about being from Utah. She told about her Mormon childhood. There was more kissing and stuff. I walked with her when she went inside to use the bathroom by the front desk. I stood outside the WOMEN door waiting for her. I smiled when late-night lobby crawlers would appear silently out of stairwells and drift by me like sunburnt ghosts with ice buckets. When she came out again, we grinned madly at each other. Why? I dunno. It was happening, I guess.

Summer nights have always bred a little magic. It's just the way it goes.

Elderly whales staring at the stars in the middle of the sea.

Night shift workers in factories wrap candy canes in tight plastic like minimum wage elves.

Minor League umps in motels sip cold High Life from brown bagged 40s, stare at SportsCenter and dream.

Muscle cars thunder down Main Streets as McDonald's lights kick off for the night.

Tomorrow's gasoline lies in wait in dark caverns beneath Mini-Mart pumps.

Crickets fuck. Teenagers smoke dope on swings in parks. Hot peppers grow bigger.

The moon circles the Earth while the withered handbones of Long Ago Lovers smash out from their dirt and entwine with their partner's for just those few precious hours before dawn breaks.

She pulled out of the lot by herself not long before the sun crawled up over those mountains. I walked through the lobby and went up to The Tobacco Suite where Dave was snoring and the TV was on low. I didn't really try and get any rest.

I wouldn't have rested. She was everywhere I looked: behind me in the mirror, under the lumpy sheets, just beyond that double-locked door. Rest? You gotta be kidding.

A night like that. And she's still mine/sometimes barely.

I'll never rest again, man.


The Milk-Gut Kid Meets Her Match.

by Serge Bielanko


Violet and I have been doing this thing where she won't look at me. She looks over there at the lazing dogs. She looks up here at the books in their dust on the shelf. Coffee dripping spoon on the counter: she looks. Speck of afternoon sunshine on the floor: looks. Facebook: looks. Lunch meat: she looks. Paint on my shorts after work: looks. She looks at everything with wide-eyed curiosity until I try and sneak me into her eyes. Then she looks away. At a piece of popcorn on the couch. Or a stupid empty Diet Coke can on the coffee table.

It was beginning to hurt a bit. Deep down I knew it was nothing. I hadn't given much reason to not dig me. We haven't had time for that yet. And I sort of knew she was just taking in the world. I mean, I want her to do that. See things; love them.

But still. I started to wander into the bathroom with her in my arms: park us in front of the mirror.

"Hey, Peanut! Who's that in there? Who's that baby in the glass case?"

She'd look. Smile with half a heart. Then I'd watch my baby daughter in reflection as she moved her eyes to the toothpaste drip smeared at the side of the sink.

Finally, today, I'd had it. Fucking dough I'm spending on this kid. She is gonna look. At me. I turned her toward me on my lap on the couch. She looked/looked away. She started to wriggle around...trying to gain bigger perspective. Paradigm Shifter. World Turner. But, I nipped that in the bud. Grabbed her tiny ass and tilted her back toward me. She came along for the ride.

I leaned her back against my knees. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I gulped in wads of air and moved in whimsical slow motion. To her belly. I planted my lips right in the middle of her Phillies Phanatic onesie and started vibrating/buzzing her milk-gut with all the spazz in my soul.

Brrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzrrrrrrrrrrrrubbubbaubbaubbarrrrr!!!!

Her lovely cackle filled the room and I could feel her arms and legs skitzing out in every direction at once. So I kept doing it. Laughter/flailing/tiny fists slamming into my head with pure joy.

Then. I pulled back. Looked at her. Her eyes.

She was staring. Her cheeks were pinned to her temples. She was elated. Ecstatic. Smiling at me and looking into my eyes like she was saying: do that more/now/always. I watched the ball soar 600 feet into the upper deck, three rows from the lights. I'd homered after a trillion K's. I nearly shit my pants with new flavors of excitement. I never wanted someone to look at me so badly before.

Of course: I do it some more. Lots . To be honest I only stop buzzing her tiny fat rolls after the thought occurs to me that I might end up giving her a fucking hickey or something. There's always something, ya know? Something to dribble hot piss all over the greatest ten minutes I've ever spent. So I stop.

We are two gunfighters in the middle of the only road through town. The Mexican sun beats down. Steamed winds slash a feral dog with whips of ancient dust. The pulverized bones of starved jackrabbits and lizards rise and fall at the mercy of each cruel passing gusts like lost ghosts in Hell.

Danger Violet's lip quivers.

A tumbleweed stops.

I blink without blinking.

A freckled boy drops his peppermint stick into a puddle of consumption spit.

Violet. Me. Our eyes locked.

She flinches and I move like angels in space, I pull my trigger, and I am buzz/kissing her belly one last time and she is giggling wildly and thrashing hysterically and it's all over in an instant. But she's laughing. And she's looking at me.

And I win.


Radar Love.

by Serge Bielanko


If I was a hawk or a falcon I would just be out flying one Irish Spring morning, imbibing the cool chill in the air and looking around at mutts in their yards and people hanging laundry or working on their cars and then SHAZZAM!!!: I'd drop out of the bluebird sky: stone-dead, embarrassingly enough. I'd land in someone's pool, probably. An above-grounder. Or just thud down on some grade school bus stop. Kids would start crying, throwing up from nerves. A cop would have to come and poke me with a stick from the gutter to make certain I wasn't just a sleeping raptor. Ugh.

The whole thing would be a friggin mess. People don't wanna deal with dead birds of prey. It's too unusual, not to mention that its pretty damn unsettling too. Those birds are supposed to be wild and free; symbols of savage liberty. Of back country wisdom. Of survival. And they're downright big when you see them up close. They're like miniature people, really. So, you know, to have to come over and pick me up with an extra big beach towel or something, it's just so unseemly. Little dead birdlets on the front walk are sad, sure, but they make sense somehow. They're easy as pie. But the golden eagle dropping eighteen pounds of death down onto the neighborhood. It's just not acceptable. It lacks dignity. And honestly: it's fucking weird.

Still. That'd be how I went. Sudden. Soaring with majesty one sec/choking on a regurgitated seed in the middle of the only cloud in the sky the next. It's how it is with me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the past few years I had a few sexy moments. I'm not sexy mind you. But I had a couple times here and there when the moon was lined up with Jupiter and Venus was behind the sun. Or whatever. Decked out in my stage clothes and sweaty and sipping a bottle of beer, I had some nights where I could tell I was a SpellCasting NightWizard
with powers I didn't even know how to handle. Bottled Semi-Truck powers. Insatiable heat. Shark lust. The goods.

I'd roll out from backstage and turn on my radar. Oh, my radar. Poor restless thing, powered down for so many hours each day as I sat in the drivers seat of the van and steered the band and all the equipment and all of our filthy saltish slutty clothes down Highway 40 and up Highway 81 and under Highway This and over Highway That. An off radar is so sad and dumb but that's how it had to be. You can't be scoping for action in truck stops and WaffleHouses and at rest areas on turnpikes. Unless of course, you give yourself over to the Serial Killer Winds. They're there, always blowing hot dry gusts across Oklahoma parking lots and behind Ohio State Sponsored Urinals. You taste their madness on your lips. You feel their hunger in the powerful beckoning hot blowing through your face. They invite you to let go, to trust them. They beg you to follow them down the highway forever, only ever pulling over to piss and shit and grab some sandwiches. And kill.

So, no thanks. I'd power down my radar in the early morning Motel 6 room. Leave it off until we'd rocked the show.

Then, yeah, there were nights...many nights/I'm not gonna lie to you...when nothing really happened. I'd emerge from backstage and out of the crowd or the stragglers or whoever was out there drinking and laughing, there would come hustling up to me some dude/s who wanted to talk music/albums/guitar cords. And I could never really blow them off. They were someone to talk to other than people I spent my life with in a van. So we'd chat and sip drinks and before you know it I had to reach down inside myself and turn off the radar switch. Give up for the night.

But, my oh my, on the nights the radar went off beeping and wailing and glowing with blinking lights and all. Dear Jesus are there some sexy sweet ladies alive in the night in this world. Candy smelling perfume and never heard of your band before and you guys rocked and I've never been to Philly and twinkle twinkle little star in your eyes my god THIS IS HAPPENING.

I was young. We were young.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fast forward. Why is my stupid fucking radar just hanging around my slumping neck like some heavy dead bird of prey, its feet tied together to form some crazy-ass necklace of absolute unsexyness?

Am I dreaming?

Is this thing on?