Modern Love.

by Serge Bielanko

Me and my wife will be married forever, and probably, the way things are going, in the goddamn After-Life too. I know this despite recent events because I smell love coming from our room. It is early in the morning here and I woke up at Violet's first chirps of the day. Mainly that happened because when I heard her and rolled over and looked at my phone it said it was 4:30am and that's when TMZ comes on the tv. So: I lifted her gently out of the crib and we moved on in the darkness, toward the gossipy light. A few steps on, I felt my daughter's tiny bottom let out a tiny fart and it wafted up kind of milky and not unsweet and so I just knew then and there that anybody who could team up with me to create such a tiny bit of pure tiny awesomeness, well, that woman was gonna have staying power. Long long love. Like it or not.

Then, I got Violet to sleep in the swing for a bit and was feeling sorta romantic for Monica...well, during the commercials. She's a really complicated treasure with a tender motherly heart. And she loves me with the gangsta fierceness that sometimes means she has to bitch-slap me in the face, but that once we settle down, maybe gorge on some burritos, we all good. Often, we end up even better than before. Now lately, she's been acting kind of sexy like, showing me her pre-baby jeans on her ass and stuff. This is never bad.

The thing is though, I never even really noticed any weight gain on her. I mean, yeah she did get pregnant with a baby and all but I guess maybe that didn't register with me as a physical weight thing. It almost seemed more like spiritual. Or like she was just wearing an easily un-zipable fat suit. Maybe it's because there wasn't exactly a lot of doin' it on the kitchen counter while she was busy throwing up every twenty my sexual radar wasn't powered to full. Whatever it was, I always felt she looked glowing (sweaty?) and natural (pissed?).

Now though, we are back landed on Earth. Back to real life with baby. And if my lady says she wants to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight, well then who the hell am I to say anything? Look at Tori Spelling, right hon? That girl had her second baby and then was back to HER OWN BIRTH WEIGHT of 8 lbs 4 oz within a day. Nice. Plus, the way I see it, I weigh way less now than I did in high school when I'd smoke three bowls after my mom went to bed and then eat mozzarella sticks or Twinkies dipped in pudding cup.

It's hard being the hot one, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. That's all I'm saying.