Penny Candy.

by Serge Bielanko

Here are some Swedish Fish I will share with you today:

- I have been lying on the bathroom floor reading for the last hour. While Violet sleeps. I have the baby monitor resting on the john. I let the shower run cause I like running water/peace/can't hear phone. Yes, there could be invisible dried piss on the floor but if there is it's probably mine. No prob.

- This happened between the afternoon hours of 3 and 4pm. So yeah, while real men work at computers and in mines and under hoods in garages all over town...I lay in my own dried piss. Whatever.

- My favorite thing to do lately is to think about exercising again. I think about exercising so much without exercising that I think maybe the thinking about it is actually turning into exercise.

- I made my eggplant parm on Sunday. Orgasmic.

- I am sick of eggplant parm after six or seven servings over three days. If you want the rest...swing by.

- Violet received her Welcome To The World card from The White House yesterday. I tried smearing the Obamas signatures to convince myself they were real. No dice. If they had been real ink...I think, in retrospect, that I would have totally fucked them up trying to make sure.

- I am now on Twitter though I don't know why. Or for how long. I seriously have nothing much to say. Politics bore the hell out of me. I don't know how to make tiny URLs. Most of my days are horrifically boring. But, still, that hasn't stopped 34 trillion others, so why should it give me a second's pause. Don't follow me though... it isn't worth it.

- Me and my daughter played in outside dirt for the first time together in this life. That was Sunday afternoon, after I buried her in potato chip leaves. We scraped in the rich black soil until we both had Earth beneath our nails. She'll never remember it, but I'll never forget.

- That show SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. Fuck that show; it's on too much. What is it six nights a week? Jesus. Dancing is cool and all, but, c'mon. No, on second thought: dancing is not that cool. It's impractical. Take that shit off the air. Or let Gordon Ramsey replace that whack-job Rosie O'Donnell-clone-mistake judge.

- I bought a used two-disc set of Peanuts 1970's specials for Violet/for Serge. Has six of the magic specials. Also, now I can stop hearing The Great Pumpkin in my sleep.

"If you try and hold my hand, Charlie Brown, I'm gonna sock you!"

- We've also started watching EMMETT OTTER'S JUG-BAND CHRISTMAS. So far, 678,000 viewings. My nostalgic affection for the show is...molding.

- Billy Joel and Elton John are coming here to Salt Lake on their COCAINE AND FURNITURE POLISH TOUR 2004-2015. I wonder if they actually stay here. In this city. After the show do they go to a hotel downtown and have a salad with Elton's special lump crab meat flown in from South Africa? Does Billy Joel settle back on a hotel bed not far from my house, in his Mets pj's, pick up the hot phone and order a room service Artisanal Cheese Plate and a Brownie Divinity Sundae?

Or do they just hop off the stage, limo to the airport, and jet to LAX and homes in the hills before the arena parking lot is even half empty?

They go, huh?

I knew it.